I saw this tweet earlier this morning, and began to salivate:

Now, caveat: My wife works this weekend, so I have to take care of an adorable baby until about 5 p.m. both days. Will I still sneak some sports in during the afternoon hours? For sure. Will I absolutely foist the child off on my poor wife when she returns so I can shove my face into the sports cornucopia like a dying man at a desert oasis? Also yes. (Or I’ll try, anyway.)

And I don’t even need most of these sports. Soccer? Nope. I’m done with soccer. I’ve had too much soccer for a lifetime in these past few months. It’s fine. I’ll watch it again. But I need a break, so the F.A. Cup final and MLS can live without me. Also, to hell with hockey. All I need from this weekend is NBA basketball, baseball, and golf. That’s it. But that’s plenty.

Regardless of what sports you happen to love and/or tolerate, if you have free time this weekend, I think it’s one of those times in this maddening world where you can give yourself permission to completely relax every muscle in your body, have a drink or some bad food, and float away. Just watch sports and vegetate. Enter a half-conscious state. Let no other stimuli enter your aura.

For fun, this would be my itinerary if I were a totally free man:

FRIDAY

2:30 p.m.: NBA basketball, Magic vs. Nets – a trash NBA game, even with most of the bad teams eliminated, but I’m all in.

At some point: Golf. I have no idea when golf is on anymore, or whether I’ll have to watch it on the Golf Channel, PGA Tour Live, network TV, or what. But Koepka figured out how to putt yesterday, and I get the feeling he might administer a thorough beatdown to 149 other golfers this week, so I’m in no matter where it is.

6:30 p.m.: Celtics vs. Bucks. Oh hell yes.

7:00 p.m.: Yankees vs. Red Sox. Oh hell yes.

9:00 p.m.: Rockets vs. Mavs. Starting to get into dangerous areas here, considering the hours that must be spent entertaining a child the next day. But remember, this is a fantasy, not reality.

9:10 p.m.: Astros vs. Angels. Just for a few minutes, to see if any Astros get plunked.

SATURDAY

At some point: Golf

12:30 p.m. – F.A. Cup soccer. FINE. I’ll watch part of this. Go Arsenal.

6:00 p.m. – Pelicans vs. Clippers. OH HELL YES. Huge bummer that New Orleans couldn’t hold on vs. Utah last night, and a minor bummer that Zion isn’t getting many minutes, but these teams are both very very fun to watch.

7:07 p.m.: Yankees vs. Red Sox. Normally I find it a little annoying when weekend Yankees games aren’t on in the afternoon, because what’s better than afternoon baseball? But this time, great.

8:15 p.m.: Pirates-Cubs. I’d just flick back here occasionally, as dips in other action permitted. I like good pitching, and Keller and Chatwood were both excellent in their first starts. Real duel potential.

8:30 p.m.: Lakers vs. Raptors. I admire the Raptors for still being good this year. Probably should have just rolled over and sucked.

SUNDAY

Whenever golf is on: Golf.

2:00 p.m.-ish: Baseball. Don’t even care what game.

7:00 p.m.: Yanks-Sox. Making Sunday night incrementally less depressing.

8:30 p.m.: Bucks-Rockets. Since we’re just dreaming here, I like to imagine that my weekend comes to an end with Giannis humiliating James Harden, the one-man basketball sedative. Let it be so.

To support Apocalypse Sports, sign up today for only $3 a month!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *